Zero Expectations

It's funny how we all fall in love and dream of being with the person we love most in a till-death-do-us-part kind of ending. What really is love and does it always stand the test of time and the folks around us? Will we feel the same way we do for the same person tomorrow? Since we are so deeply involved (at least emotionally) with this person, then should we not have any expectations (at least being able to trust his/her words), especially if you have sworn your love in front of family and friends and a justice of peace? Are we lying or just purely blind when we said "I will"?

Romance seems to take a beating when reality sets in. In most cases, we often hear people saying that marriage is often the graveyard of love. Is this true? Before I got married, I never believed in it at all because I always dreamed of growing old together with Du. Not that I believe that it's true now, it's just some food for thought for what I have going through my mind and our relationship now.

It's only been slightly less than five years since we're married. We've shared a lot and we have probably also grown a lot in the process, and most certainly we have been put through so many different tests during this very short period of time that got me thinking if the flame of love has slowly dwindled.

When I see him, I sometimes cannot know if he's the person I dreamt of marrying, or to grow old with. The times when I needed support, when grandpa and grandma passed away were my weakest moments. He wasn't there for me most times and didn't really seem to understand what I was going through. I am not sure if I unconciously blame him for not offering to take care of the girls so that I could at least go to the hospital to see my dying grandparents. I very much wanted to visit them, but never had a chance as the kids were not quite allowed into the wards.

Granted that his mom was ill with cancer, I never once refused to let him take care of his mother (whole days) when all I could do was to weep alone in the dark corners when my girls are taking their naps. There were his brother and sister as well as his dad, but it seems that before I started making noise, no one other than him accompanied the poor old woman to the hospital for her chemo. And there again, I was left alone without help at home with two very young kids all the time, with no one to talk to because I was simply too busy minding them and no one to help out when I needed a breather or simply to bathe or eat or even visit the toilet. Apart from that, I was constantly worried about us not having enough money since the so-called breadwinner was always out taking care of his mother. At one point, I really felt like giving up but things took a better turn as I could finally voice out part of my depression to a proper psychiatrist.

Now that all the unfortunate events seem to have cleared and things are looking a little better again (or should I say a lot better), I start to again feel inadequate as there I was, expected to mind the house and family as well as grow businesses because I feel so insecure without him sharing with me how things are doing and was never given any extra pocket money to spend on myself. All the pre-marriage talk about communcation seems to have suddenly vanished - or did it never appear before?

Then he started talking about this lady is so good - can take care of family so well, can cook good soups, got great contacts, well-groomed and very good in every aspect day in and day out that I felt I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to tell him that I minded him talking about this lady all the time....and suspected he may have a crush, but I tried to meditate and tell myself that if there comes a day I have to let go of him, I have did I get some peace in my mind. That seems to work, since the person's name disappeared for some time. And now I am glad that I was just imagining things. Maybe it's just the four walls that's driving me mad, and the lack of independence and confidence I once felt for being one of the hotest executive with great prowess that makes people sit up. :)

What however irritated me the most for the past two years or so is the lack of respect he has for my time and his words. Trying to weave my way around it and not get so upset, I've tried several times to ask him to let us know early if he can't make it or if we should planned for a family activity to be later, but he always told me to trust him.... but my trust seems to get bruised ever so frequently. He hasn't seem to be on time for our family affairs but is very on the ball for any other things that it makes me wonder if we're really down at the bottom of his priority list. (If he ever reads this, he will definitely as always retort that of course we are important and he is working hard for us, yabber, yabber, yabber....) I guess I am not as good at speaking as he is and I never care to win any conversation any more. He's probably not the best listener and I don't really want to waste any more time. The only thing I wish to convey is that I do get hurt with such insensitivity and that I don't know how much more of these I could bear. I try to be as understanding as I can, but I can't help but feel hurt with the actions.

After pondering over this for the whole night, I guess it's time to have zero expectations. In that way, I can probably continue to love without hurt and to love more unconditionally. I will try to do all things myself, never ever try to ask for help again and never yearning for company at home other than the girls until they are older and not need me any more. For now, I will continue to grow a more peaceful mind and stronger will that can protect the girls and me from any harmful substances (haha, including unwanted concerns from relatives).